


Things I'll Never Say Out Loud

by pllants



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Personal Growth, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 09:32:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6074109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pllants/pseuds/pllants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>here are some short poems about personal experiences I've had, all taken from the notes in my iphone, mostly written at night when I was looking for a way to cope in a healthier way, most of them never shared with anyone.</p>
<p>god, I hope I don't regret this.</p>
<p>(I know most of the people who follow me on here have been looking for an update for the fanfiction I wrote, and I wish I could gather the motivation to finish it. Sadly that hasn't happened yet and the writing I've done in the past year (or more?) has been mainly bad poetry.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Febraury

“February”

Little crow girl,  
You have knees like mountains  
You have eyes like rain  
And you have bruises like birthmarks

Little crow girl,  
Does it hurt to swallow you words?  
Does it feel like acid fire sliding down your throat?  
Does it burn you from the inside out?

Little crow girl,  
You know what it feels like to put your bare feet on wet grass  
You know what it feels like to take the first breath of air after holding it so long  
You know what it feels like to run your cold hands underneath warm water

Little crow girl,  
It’s time to be brave when you’re afraid  
It’s time to put the stars back in your eyes where they belong  
It’s time to bathe yourself in light and love and everything in between

Little crow girl,  
Good luck


	2. It

“It”

I can feel IT rise up  
IT starts in the pit of my stomach, and IT roars like thunder  
IT demands to be noticed  
The water rushes to my throat and before I know it  
I’m saying everything, anything, IT rushes out like a tidal wave  
my words are lightning on water  
I am scared  
But, oh my god, is IT beautiful.


	3. For a Friend

“For a friend”

Her eyes were made of frost and fire  
She’s made up of sighs and soft apologies for no reason  
And  
She doesn’t understand that her shivering isn’t just a burden  
I can tell from her eyes she’s either breaking or already broken  
And I don’t know which is worse  
But I wish she knew that it’s not impossible to pick up the shattered glass  
And put herself back together


	4. Heart-throb

"Heart-throb"

Dear heart throb,  
I wake up in  
The middle of the night with my  
Heart sending blood like daggers through my veins  
It’s the worst kind of torture  
Because it’s still beating a desperate rhythm  
Love me, love me, love me


	5. Say Something

"Say Something"

I never thought my world was small  
Until one day, over the span of my entire fucking life,  
I realized I was trapped

I thought I could fix it by expanding myself outwards until I met someone just as sick as I was but the only thing they wanted  
Was the same as the people who’s hands were already around my neck

So when you let me go for a moment I felt my heart lurch to my throat but when your hand tried to grab mine this time I held my cold palm to my empty chest and said “You don’t own me” and after that happened three times over I got tired of people who took my breath away

It’s ironic that I still don’t know how to let my heart speak for me when I know something is wrong but I guess the very thing that was supposed to teach me better is just another thing   
stuck in my throat

I know it’s not dead yet since I can feel it beating but it’s starting to scare me

Because despite myself, the other day I fell in love with my best friend when I wasn’t supposed to

And finally the world is starting to seem a little bit bigger

But I still can’t speak


	6. These Words

"These Words"

I am too much  
I am not enough  
I know I’m a mouthful and these   
These words, they’re pretty damn messy  
But they’re all I can get out


	7. World

"World"

I stand in front of you; face to face,  
With several targets on our backs we were two deer in a forest of hunters and only,  
If only we had turned our backs to each other and watched for danger  
Maybe we would have felt safer  
But God, the world is so much better with you in it


	8. Gritting My Teeth

"Gritting My Teeth"

You could help me  
I know I have a bad habit of letting others tape the broken pieces together and  
I know it really never lasts long and  
I’m sorry, I know there were times when I let them break into smaller pieces and just watched  
But I have two hands that are clinging to the cliff and I don’t have the strength nor the means to take one hand off  
So yeah, give me a hand sometime  
No, I won’t ask loudly  
(I’m gritting my teeth)


	9. Nobody Told Me It Wasn’t Okay

“Nobody Told Me It Wasn’t Okay”

I was always good at asking for the things I wanted  
“May I?” “Can I?” “Please” and “Thank you”  
But I never wanted you  
And yet asking was never an option


	10. Untitled

"Untitled"

If my bruises are soil for better things to come –for if the twisted parts of me are roots entwined underneath my skin –then I will spend my entire life waiting for the first flower to bloom only to cut it off the second it’s grown to give to someone else


	11. God I'm Bitter

"God I'm Bitter"

A slow breath in  
A quick, shivering cloud of smoke comes out  
You’re one part selfish and I’m two parts a hypocrite  
We move in a way, a dance, and I’m leading  
You dip and I hold you up  
Expecting you to come back up but you just let my arms turn to fire  
And, oh god it burns but at least it’s warm  
I feel a string around my throat and it’s wrong to let you fall when I haven’t told you somethings so desperately wrong  
But dear god I can never speak


	12. Things I Shouldn't Have Agreed To

"Things I Shouldn't Have Agreed To"

Tell me if you need me  
But please oh please try not to need me  
I have two sharp thorns in my side and too many friends who wear a noose like an accessory so  
Can you just be happy for me?  
But tell me if somethings wrong  
I know I won’t always listen, and if I do, sometimes the answer you’ll get is the steady hum of silence but  
Promise me  
You’ll tell me if somethings wrong  
And be happy when I want


	13. (Not) The End

"(Not) The End"

Hearts a mess  
Bodys a wreck  
Darling you promised darling you swore  
Said you wouldn’t do this anymore


End file.
